With little else to do on a boring Sunday night and in desperate need of fresh air I decided to go for a walk. Truthfully though, I cant remember the last time I had been to my Mums graveside and it was about time I bit the bullet and went.
The thing is, personally I cant think of anything that upsets me more (This time round I was more emotional than I have been in a long time). Its been nearly 2 and a half years since my Mum passed but the abrupt manner in which it happened, to a more than healthy 54 year still leaves me hugely bitter. So every time I go up their and look at the gravestone I cant help but think I shouldnt be standing there. To be honest that feeling will never pass and its something I have to deal with.
What I can take (if anything) from the whole ordeal is experience. In the small hours of the 19 of september 2009 I woke up to a phonecall giving me the worst possible news imaginable. Since then myself , my family and my family friends have had to deal with the repercussions. From my own point of view, I dealt with everything terribly. Initially I was a wreck for months and nearly had to leave Uni in my final year. Since then I’ve improved but still remain numb. I lack of caring led to me being a regular in A&E, getting arrested and generally not giving a shit. That brings me back to the experience part. People who experience personal tragedy would give absolutely anything to change what has happened, to continue a normal life. So ever since our own family tradgedy I’ve told everyone I could, to appreciate what they have got and not complain about the little things because 99.99% of the time it could be a whole lot worse. People complain about having to write an essay or having to go to work on a Monday. Sometimes instead of saying FML (fucking hate that) you could get on with it and appreciate the good things in life. Fair enough when people complain in jest, but too much of the time people sit around feeling sorry for themselves for the most trivial of things.
For example, just now I’ am heavely in debt due to funding my own post graduate study (that I didnt even complete) and I’m currently now unemployed. However, what if one day I wolk up blind and unable to see for the rest of my life. I would give anything to be sitting where I am just now. Even now, 2 and a half years on I would give the world to change what’s happened and be sitting in someone elses shoes. In the past 6 months though I have come to realise, when the grief subsides even slightly its about how you pick yourself up. Its about dealing with things the best you can and coming back stronger. Everything happends for a reason? Bullshit! Things just happen, its about dealing with what happends the best you can and appreciating what you’ve got. I have food on the table and a roof over my head. Thats a hell of alot more than millions of people in the world. Let the job hunt continue…