19 times in one day!

(Disclaimer- This is not for family, prudes or the easily offended)

The highlight of the last week was finding out that someone typed “Hazel Irvine blowjob” into Google and found this blog.  I’m not sure if that reflects worse on the blog or the person who whould actually google that.  If you don’t believe me do it yourself, its at the bottom of the first page.  It’s also possibly the reason for the strange leap in hits.  So yea Cheryl Cole blowjob , Angelina Jolie anal , Frankie Sandford shaven.  Sorry but its worth a try.

The rest of my time wasn’t spent job hunting or being productive. It was spent getting drunk and naked in Aberdeen. Good times.  To continue the Lowbrow theme to this blog however, the big news in Aberdeen was that one of the lads (name rhymes with Boaby Ellapee) manged to masterbate 19 times in one day. Unbelievable just… unbelievable.  As human accomplishments go I put that up there with putting  man on the Moon,  a truly unbelievable act of Human Endevour. The emotional and physical turmoil that one must go through to achive such a feat is incomprehensible. He should be given an O.B.E or at least a place in the next Avengers Movie. The Avengers 2- The Hulk, Thor, Iron Man, Captain America and the guy that wanked 19 times in one day (O.B.E). The weird thing is he said it was a competition and that he came 3rd (no pun intended). How? Who came first and second?? Coincidently, the same day I read a fact on twitter that said a 16 year old Brazilian boy died after wanking 42 times in a row. I’m not sure if he drowned or died of exhaustion but apparently that giant statue over looking Rio De Janeiro is a memorial to him. Faith in the human race=Restored.

I suppose I better clean the patter up a bit now.

Today I woke up to find Great Britain has slipped back into the recession. I looked out the window only to see vast looting and killer Robots burning down buildings. Nah Im just being silly, I never really. What’s the point in telling us though? We would never know and it just makes things worse. Its the same people that said we are in a drought and need to conserve water. “The Environment Agency has five flood warnings in place in south-west England, a region currently in drought ” (BBC).  Politicians are fucking idiots. Having said that maybe with this recession RBS can go bust again, can’t get bailed out and all my debt is cleared. Then no more need for the blog.

Dear blog… Jackpot!

Justin Bieber’s jailtime shower sex!

Yea, so out of nowhere really my last post got shit loads of views and shares. In some random countries as well. So cheers to all the Greeks out there. I’m pretty sure you probably just googled “Life of Unemployment” and came across this blog but who am I to mock your catastrophically dire economic situation.

Also sorry again for the Primary School level grammer. As previously mentioned I’m 80% sure I’m dyslexic. I think when I sat the test in primary school they couldn’t understand what I was writing so just assumed I spelt everything correctly then went for lunch. At least one word each sentence has been googled and even then I still don’t get it all right. Last week I read “Syria attacks own people” and thought the i-Phone 4s had gone rogue! Earlier I googled the word persnickety and found out it had an ‘s’ in it.  Who knew? The learning never stops.

It’s been a slow week otherwise. I think I invented a new smileyface icon though! Constipation face >;-&

Sadly, thats where the excitment stopped there this week. The only other thing thats happened was a letter from the dole peeps saying that I will won’t be getting Job seekers allowance anymore. Apperently, I had no good reason to leave my last PART-TIME job in Aberdeen. The fact that I was homeless, heavely in debt and had to move back to other end of the country wasn’t acceptable. The ironic thing is, how bad is the person who decided that at their job? I get the chance to send a letter of appeal which I’ve already written-

Dear useless Cunt/Sir/Madame

thanks for your hugely positve letter, I believe your wrong but I’m unsure how I can explain the situation any clearer than I already have. Perhaps a stick diagram would be suffecient for your level of inteligence?
Anyhoo, now because of your ineptitude an already dire situation has been made alot worse. Good to know that you have a system in place to do nothing but exacerbate my current financial plight. It’s not like I acount for having the money each week and you have stopped giving me it without any notice whatsoever. Good to also know, that because of this i cannot afford to pay the insurance and registry fee for the register of exercise professionals. The very same group that just offered me a job.
Maybe I’m just splitting hairs, afterall who in their right mind would refuse payment to one of the few people who doesn’t use it to fund their drink and drug habit. In conclusion, you can shove your job seekers allowance up your arse and I hope you get vigorously sodomized in a dark alley by a drug addict who you helped finance 🙂

Yours insincerely,
Ross Forsyth

Homosexual Taliban

I’ve been asked to carry on writing these so I will. Also, I have nothing better to do.  Oh and the title “Homosexual Taliban” is a quest to make this easier to find on Google.

This weeks been a fairly stereotypical one for an unemployed graduate student. Basically, sitting around the house listening to the house phone ring wondering if I should answer it and shout abuse down the phone or just ignore it and hope the call centres give up. Its so frustrating as no-one actually uses house phones anymore so you know its just going to be automated spam. The only time people use house phones in this day and age is when they lose their mobile phones inside the house and need to ring it.

Other than that noising me up, I did some delivery driving in the snow on Tuesday. The only highlight was when I pulled the van over to take a sneaky whizz at the side of someones garden then fell over the fence when trying to make a quick getaway. After rolling around the ground for a good 30 seconds I got in the van and had to make the rest of the deliveries sodding wet. However, everone hasn’t shut up about the snow on the back of a heat wave so I’m not going to add to it.

What has been weird this week is the hosepipe ban for 20million people in the south of the UK. We live on an Island surrounded by water! Ridiculous! Word has it that the government now want to ground planes because we’re running out of sky. I’ve also been hearing black guys haven’t been getting blowjobs due to woman misinterpreting the hosepipe ban. Sad news indeed.

The Masters started on Thursday. After 4 days of ups and downs, highs and lows, Golf fans finally concluded that YES! Hazel Irvine would get banged! Weirdly, adrenaline junkie/ex England Cricket captain Michael Vaughan was conducting the player interviews for the BBC. Apparently  Cricket wasn’t exciting enough for him so he turned to Golf.

On Saturday the boat race between Oxford and Cambridge was the other big sporting event of the weekend and for once it was interesting. Some guy jumped into the river mid-race and caused unmitigated outrage. Rumour has it he was so bored that he tried to drown himself. Other reports suggest he was cleaning his car during the hosepipe ban and simply fell in while he was filling up his bucket. Whatever the reason, police have said the culprit is unable to stand trial as he swallowed a mouthfull of the Thames and now has Smallpox.

Then today it was Easter. A celebration of the resurrection of Jesus. What that has to with Chocolate, Eggs and Bunnies is beyond me. However, I might not be religious but I am partial to a Chocolate Egg (just like Jesus).

Acutually, I nearly forgot the Heineken cup quater finals were also on this weekend. Edinburgh caused an upset by making the Semi-finals for the first time in their History. I’ve got tickets for the final in London so fingers crossed they can make it (great sesh). If not, Im just happy to watch something live that doesnt involve someone called Jasmine popping up infront of me.

Other than watching sport and making shit jokes, this week has just been training and recording audio notes with my guitar and sending them to people on whatsapp. For those asking about New Zealand Its actually on hold just now. There are a couple of issues but I dont know much so Im now kind of in limbo. Fingers crossed it works out and hopefully its all good.

Cheers the now