Boarding the plane to Joburg I had the torrid sunburn of a Ginger, Agoraphobiac. That was from two days at the London Olympics, what was 7 weeks in Africa and one year in Australia going to do??
Entering the plane it was obvious I was going to be in a middle seat and unless I was sandwiched between a couple of hot, skinny supermodels the flight was going to be grim. Real grim. Luckily for me…it was a giant african woman on my right and a sombre enviromentalist on my left. Jackpot!
I put my bag in the overhead compartment and asked the African woman if she would be kind enough to stand up so I could take my seat. Instead, she opted to move her legs approxmately one ballhair to the side and suggested I squeeze past. My face would have dropped if I wasn’t so sunburnt. After asking politely once more I was met with the same response. I then hastily planned my route over the obese african. However by this time the isle had clogged and the waiting passengers had become restless.
Just before my attempt the cockney geezer standing next to me whispered “good luck” and gave me a tender pat on the back as if to say better you than me. God how I wished I was him.
After hastily conjuring up the technique I managed to eventually squeeze past with a combination of sitting on her lap and holding myself up by using the chair infront, simultaneausly thrusting the man in the seat back and forth with ferocious vigour. Success!
(Sadly, I wasn’t to know then but me and the obese woman were about to get much much closer.)
After eventually settling down and realising that I was the sole book between two unbalanced, inter-racial book ends, the Black Rhino (obsese African) shouldered me and insinuated that she was unable to do her seat belt. After a quick evaluation of the situation it was clear she was infact trying to connect half of my seat belt to half of hers. Not only that, but she was infact SITTING on the other half of hers. Of course she was. There was no point in her seat-belt anyway, a combination of physics and her bone idleness meant she wasn’t going anywhere in a crash.
Her lack of English coupled with her laziness led to me attempting to rescue her situation but instead falling just short of taking her anal virginity. At least she wouldn’t move during turbulance! (Actually who am I kidding, she wasn’t going anywhere and fingering her arse was the air hostess’s duty. Fuck you British Airways I’ve woke up in a cold sweat ever since!)
After harnassing her clap…ahem… then ramming down her fat folds she was in and safe sound and my good deed was done for the day, correction-year!!
The flight was fairly uneventful from there on in. I watched The Avengers (top notch) and The 5 Year Engagement (medicore). In saying that, The Black Rhinos arm and fat fold kept overlapping onto the arm rest so much that she was adjusting the volume to my T.V screen and radio.
Picture the scene. An overnight flight, all the lights are off. There is no sound over my headphones other than the husky drone of the plane engines and the infriquent bleep that rings out every 15 minutes and tricks you into thinking that they have turned the seat belt sign on (what is that?).
All of a sudden, The Incredible Hulk explodes onto the screen!!!!! Buildings falling, people screaming, superheroes fighting to the death, a cacophony of intensity, the films musical score going hammer and tongs !!!
Black Rhino falls asleep, her head falls forward onto her gargantuan clevage. Her arms and fat folds fall limber to the side and onto the arm rest button control. Meanwhile, I’m still engrossed in the relentless superhereo action.
The volume then instantly leaps from the nice, tepid second lowest setting to HOLY SHIT MAX VOLUME!!!!
Now people can blame air pressure and frequent flying but I’m telling you my ears have never been the same since. It was so painfull my eyes hurt!! I had to dab myself with bottled water just to stay conscious. Who puts the fucking buttons to the T.V control on the top and not the inner side of the arm rest?? Or just make it touch screen or somthing? The same people keeping me 35,000 feet in the air! God help us all.
Needless to say I never slept that flight.
It’s fine though because I arrived safe and on time in Joburg, South Africa then Windoek, Namibia not long after. Having undergone the biggest endurance challenge of any male since Vanessa Feltz’s first marriage, sleep deprived and hearing now sitting at 40% of normal.
The road trip to the Vic falls and a trip of a lifetime was about to begin. No matter what happened though, the only way was up…
Things could only get better (Howard Jones et al)