My adult life- Chapter 6

After a week or two in the new flat we finally got round to furnishing it. My flatmate and I both raided our parents’ attics and managed to kit it out quite well. It’s worth mentioning that we were paying a very reasonable amount for this flat in no small part down to the fact it came unfurnished. Although the kitchen was tiny both bedrooms were a reasonable size and the toilet had a fairly handy shower that was perfect for sitting down in when hungover. Aberdeen was second only to London in UK rent prices at the time so we ended up staying there for two years in the end, even paying rent for a summer that we were barely there. The only down side was my bed was one half of my childhood bunk bed, probably just smaller than your average single. It was hardly ideal for wooing the young free and single ladies of Aberdeen. Especially when they saw my Manchester United bed spread. I think it was from the 1993/94 season and had the players’ names from the time scrolled across the pillow case.

Gossiping friend- “What was the guys flat like?”

Casual acquaintance- “He had the names Brain McClair and Pat McGibbon plastered all over his pillow”

Considering this was 2007 what the fuck was I thinking?

None the less I was having a blast. I was very rarely in the flat unless I was sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. The rest of the time I would go straight to a friend’s flat from Uni and started the gym three times a week with a couple of mates. We didn’t make much progress though as gym days were also drinking days.

For the sake of argument I’m going to call my friends flat Hogwarts. Little did I know at the time but it would be the scene of so much of my University debauchery and hijinks. It was rented out by my friend Mufasa and had two other flat mates who were also friends of mine. Mufasa would remain in that flat until the end of our 4th year and undergraduate graduation with various flat mates throughout the three years (We will get to that later). The best thing about Hogwarts though was the fact it was still student housing. It was one of those companies that specialised in groups of students but had nothing to do with the University and was essentially a nice block of flats. It was built in one large square with a car park in the middle. A lot of my friends stayed there throughout the years so I had even more reason to spend my time at Hogwarts. You could just go from one friends to another’s in seconds. It was also much nearer the Uni than my flat and I could never be arsed walking home for dinner then back to Hogwarts to be social.  The icing on the cake was the bewildering fact that the occupants never paid a deposit. I think they paid some sort of fee that was never going to be returned so no-one had any qualms lighting a firework or kicking a football around indoors. God I fucking loved that place.

I had only just started to get to know Mufasa mainly through knowing Spike but he was also in some of my Biomed classes. Therefore my time spent in Hogwarts gradually increased as I got to know him better and get closer to a different group of friends than I did the previous year. This group would expand and become my closest friends to this day.

The nights got gradually worse in terms of folly and by the time the first term was breaking up for Christmas and exams our alcohol tolerance was at an all-time high. My favourite night was always Monday. Instead of Liquid it was a club called Tiger Tiger. Two floors again with a VIP room on the ground floor and a bar round every corner. Tiger Mondays we called them (genius).

One Tiger Monday I ended up going back with a Fresher to the halls of residence. It was the first occurrence where I couldn’t erect the monument due to over indulgence of alcohol. This was to be repeated on an almost weekly basis for the next three years (not the girl but the erectile dysfunction). We ended up lying in bed listening to the Spice Girls. What a fall from grace.  We fell asleep with Wannabe on repeat and I ended up quite emotionally attached to that song. Intercourse was attempted again in the morning, this time in the shower but it was not to be. After I went home later that morning a friend called and asked me about her. It turns out they were friends and he was trying to court her (nice way to put it). They became a couple the next day I believe and stayed in a serious relationship for two years or something. Crazy. I must have put her off the single life. It transpires that she had also slept with another friend of ours that summer during the pre-term summer school. That was the thing about Aberdeen Uni. It was like pass the parcel.

Put it this way. At one point in the midst of a long bout of depravity Spike went with his flat mate to the sexual health clinic.

Flatmate- “I would like to be tested please for Chlamydia”

Woman at reception” Ok do you have reason to believe you have Chlamydia?”

Flatmate- “Yes”

Woman at reception- “What’s the reason?”

Flatmate- “My friend had sex with a woman and contracted Chlamydia. I have recently had sex with the same woman.”

Woman at reception turns to Spike- “Ok then why are you here?”

Spike- “I have also recently had sex with that woman”

The thing is I’m sure all these women were saying the same things about us. This isn’t all about male bravado. Far from it. I also went home with that woman several times over second and third year and not once was I able stand my soldier to attention. Although this was common place I like to think that my knowledge of her previous companions stuck in my sub-conscious. Actually that can’t be it. I was about to do much worse…


My adult life- Chapter 5

After a long summer running care-free, arms spread around the hills of Scotland, with the wind blowing through my curly, not yet receding, hair it was back to the daily vodka grind of Uni life.

It had been a sober summer all told. A month before I started University I had a fairly serious operation to repair my shoulder so the resultant “fairly serious” rehab never really took off. Thus my first University summer was spent in the gym. It also meant that I was revitalized. The unexciting summer made for an exciting return.

I was moving into my first proper flat with a friend from the previous years halls of residence. We landed a cheap unfurnished 2 bedroom flat near the centre of town but a solid walk away from Uni. He was in a long term relationship and therefore slightly less eager to piss his days away. It also meant I was home alone for most of freshers week and the flat remained unfurnished for the first 10 days or so but for one large sofa.

Freshers that year really began where first year left off. With my flat being somewhat unusable another friend’s parents had bought him a fairly plush pad even closer to Aberdeen city centre. That would be our pre-drink haven. By the end of first year our drink of choice was a pint of Vodka with lemonade and Robinson’s fruit squash. If you are un-familiar with this brand of squash it’s basically Great Britain’s national drink for children. Our choice of flavour was Lemon (which really complemented the lemonade).  For the first month or two we continued with this concoction. The problem was that we were increasing the amount of Vodka and decreasing the mixer to the point it was about two thirds vodka. That’s all good and well but the resultant effect was I regularly had no memory whatsoever of anything that happened. The silver lining was I could sleep in the freezing cold, unfurnished flat much easier but had no idea what I have been getting up to.

On one of these nights I do remember meeting one lucky lady on the dance floor of Liquid (the nightclub not a metaphor). I have no idea what her name was. I don’t think it has left my memory, I never actually knew it. After getting well acquainted on the dance floor we headed back to her sisters flat. It transpires she was simply visiting her older sister who was starting one of her final years at Uni and was somewhat protective. When we arrived a small argument ensued between the sisters involving the flat mates bed. Basically the visiting sister was under strict orders to stay on the couch as the flat mate who was not in the city at the time was unwilling to let their bed go to good use. Can’t blame them really. We were urged onto the couch while the older sister went to her bed and after 20 minutes of first base courting we slipped off to the flat mates vacated bedroom. The older sister was probably not asleep but what was she going to do? Walk in? Also she had given us a condom. I mean the couch was alright but there was no room for two.

I didn’t take us long to get down to business and start putting the bed to good use. As we started getting into it she started getting more aggressive and throwing her self around with me in tow. I should explain at this point that she was larger than me. By no means would you call this girl fat but I also wouldn’t call her skinny either. I was definitely skinny though. Not like it matters but she was calling the shots.

I had her squashed up against the wall before I threw her back onto the body of the bed. At least I thought it was the bed. Her head cracked off the top off the headboard. It was the back of her head as well. It sounded and looked awful. Probably the closest I’ve ever been to killing a person. It was like the end of Million Dollar Baby. We tried carrying on for a while but as I looked at her face I was becoming increasingly despondent. She was clearly still in pain and no doubt concussed. Looking back there is about 20% of me thinking I had sex with an unconscious woman for at least a few seconds. Never the less, we finally called it a day and moved back to the couch where we both passed out one on top of the other, tired, injured and unfulfilled.

The next thing I remember, it was morning and the older sister was dragging me from the couch out the front door. Aggression clearly runs in the family. She was yelling some pish, frankly I was too inebriated to fully comprehend what was happening. Next thing I know, I’m out the door and on the street. I never said bye to the girl, or got her number or even asked what her name was but hopefully she suffered no repercussions to that head knock. Luckily I recognised where I was and It was a simple 5 minute walk home. This however would be the first of many occasions where I would walk home the morning after the night before at the same time the schools were going in. Obviously my new flat was next door to a primary school. By the time I left that flat I’m pretty sure the children were singing nasty songs about me.

Once I sobered up it quickly dawned on me that my Uni virginity had gone. It may have gone in first year but no-one knows (except maybe the girl who stole the watch) but this was the first confirmed home run. It wasn’t great, I nearly killed her and I was thrown out by her sister but it was a monkey off my back. Second year was up and running. All I needed now was some furniture in the flat and I could start gaining some momentum.