After a long summer running care-free, arms spread around the hills of Scotland, with the wind blowing through my curly, not yet receding, hair it was back to the daily vodka grind of Uni life.
It had been a sober summer all told. A month before I started University I had a fairly serious operation to repair my shoulder so the resultant “fairly serious” rehab never really took off. Thus my first University summer was spent in the gym. It also meant that I was revitalized. The unexciting summer made for an exciting return.
I was moving into my first proper flat with a friend from the previous years halls of residence. We landed a cheap unfurnished 2 bedroom flat near the centre of town but a solid walk away from Uni. He was in a long term relationship and therefore slightly less eager to piss his days away. It also meant I was home alone for most of freshers week and the flat remained unfurnished for the first 10 days or so but for one large sofa.
Freshers that year really began where first year left off. With my flat being somewhat unusable another friend’s parents had bought him a fairly plush pad even closer to Aberdeen city centre. That would be our pre-drink haven. By the end of first year our drink of choice was a pint of Vodka with lemonade and Robinson’s fruit squash. If you are un-familiar with this brand of squash it’s basically Great Britain’s national drink for children. Our choice of flavour was Lemon (which really complemented the lemonade). For the first month or two we continued with this concoction. The problem was that we were increasing the amount of Vodka and decreasing the mixer to the point it was about two thirds vodka. That’s all good and well but the resultant effect was I regularly had no memory whatsoever of anything that happened. The silver lining was I could sleep in the freezing cold, unfurnished flat much easier but had no idea what I have been getting up to.
On one of these nights I do remember meeting one lucky lady on the dance floor of Liquid (the nightclub not a metaphor). I have no idea what her name was. I don’t think it has left my memory, I never actually knew it. After getting well acquainted on the dance floor we headed back to her sisters flat. It transpires she was simply visiting her older sister who was starting one of her final years at Uni and was somewhat protective. When we arrived a small argument ensued between the sisters involving the flat mates bed. Basically the visiting sister was under strict orders to stay on the couch as the flat mate who was not in the city at the time was unwilling to let their bed go to good use. Can’t blame them really. We were urged onto the couch while the older sister went to her bed and after 20 minutes of first base courting we slipped off to the flat mates vacated bedroom. The older sister was probably not asleep but what was she going to do? Walk in? Also she had given us a condom. I mean the couch was alright but there was no room for two.
I didn’t take us long to get down to business and start putting the bed to good use. As we started getting into it she started getting more aggressive and throwing her self around with me in tow. I should explain at this point that she was larger than me. By no means would you call this girl fat but I also wouldn’t call her skinny either. I was definitely skinny though. Not like it matters but she was calling the shots.
I had her squashed up against the wall before I threw her back onto the body of the bed. At least I thought it was the bed. Her head cracked off the top off the headboard. It was the back of her head as well. It sounded and looked awful. Probably the closest I’ve ever been to killing a person. It was like the end of Million Dollar Baby. We tried carrying on for a while but as I looked at her face I was becoming increasingly despondent. She was clearly still in pain and no doubt concussed. Looking back there is about 20% of me thinking I had sex with an unconscious woman for at least a few seconds. Never the less, we finally called it a day and moved back to the couch where we both passed out one on top of the other, tired, injured and unfulfilled.
The next thing I remember, it was morning and the older sister was dragging me from the couch out the front door. Aggression clearly runs in the family. She was yelling some pish, frankly I was too inebriated to fully comprehend what was happening. Next thing I know, I’m out the door and on the street. I never said bye to the girl, or got her number or even asked what her name was but hopefully she suffered no repercussions to that head knock. Luckily I recognised where I was and It was a simple 5 minute walk home. This however would be the first of many occasions where I would walk home the morning after the night before at the same time the schools were going in. Obviously my new flat was next door to a primary school. By the time I left that flat I’m pretty sure the children were singing nasty songs about me.
Once I sobered up it quickly dawned on me that my Uni virginity had gone. It may have gone in first year but no-one knows (except maybe the girl who stole the watch) but this was the first confirmed home run. It wasn’t great, I nearly killed her and I was thrown out by her sister but it was a monkey off my back. Second year was up and running. All I needed now was some furniture in the flat and I could start gaining some momentum.