My adult life -Chapter 3

By around Easter time I had made a fair few friends and my liver had taken a pasting. I had succeeded in “pulling” a few lady peeps but had about as much sexual action as Sheldon Cooper. I would fall asleep, they would fall asleep, I would be too drunk, they would be too drunk. There was a multitude of causes with the same conclusion.

One night in particular, I fell asleep on top of a girl.  It was a relatively common occurrence actually and would continue to be so for many years to come but this one was different. I started chatting her up at a party in the self catered flats at my halls and in the quest for more booze we stumbled across the host crushing up some sort of pill in his room. Not being one to partake in such activities it normally wouldn’t get my attention but the host quickly informed us they were run of the mill sleeping pills.

Host “Yea man, sleeping pills are crazy when you’re drunk!!” They are actually quite dangerous!” Go on, take half each!”

We took half each.

The question still remains. Did this guy see two naive freshers and trick them into taking something dodgy? Or did he actually give us half a sleeping pill each?

Further still. Why the fuck did I think taking half a sleeping pill was going to “get the party started”? Maybe like all students I was wanting to rebel but wasn’t wanting to dabble in drugs so this seemed apt. Whichever it was, it was a ridiculous thing to do. Put it down as a poor drunken decision.

Anyway that was my last memory. I should actually say the second last. My last memory was being back in my room semi naked, straddling the girl and rubbing her tits.

I’m 99.9% sure I then fell head first into the pillow of cleavage and fell asleep with my mouth open. It does coincide with the dubious, half a sleeping pill taken an unknown amount of time earlier notion.The next morning I woke up alone and very confused. Not only that, I woke up on top of a very expensive looking watch. Nightmare scenario! After the confusing and highly embarrassing end to the previous night the last person you want to see is that girl, never mind being angry about the loss of her watch. Luckily for me, our student halls were very confined so it was more than likely I would see her in passing very soon. By very soon, it turned out to be 2 hours. A group of us started playing soft ball in the neighboring park. LOW AND BE FUCKING HOLD, Tits Mcgonegal shows up.

“Oh hey, how you feeling? I think you left your watch at mine by the way?”

Tits Mcgonegal “Eh na, thats not mine”

I’m now even more confused and increasingly concerned.

Tits Mcgonegal ” I steal stuff when I’m drunk. Just keep it. I also stole a bracelet from yours when I left.”

My panic went down a notch with the relief that I wasn’t the one who stole the watch or that some other girl was back in my bed and I couldn’t remember. The confusion then returned along with the realization that this chick was missing a few screws and I was missing a cheap plastic bracelet thing that I liked to wear to make me look retro and cool.

“Yea, you can keep the bracelet.”

Needless to say I went back with Tits Mcgonegal again in second year. This time it was her flat. Even more drunk, we were lying on her bed when she decided to leave the room for something. Shortly after, the room started spinning and I quickly turned over and spewed on her floor. With the light safely turned off I then got up and walked out of the flat, leaving her to find the spew (I hope) by the virtue of her bare feet. If the guy who’s watch she stole is reading this, I got your back brother, revenge is a dish best served regurgitated on a bedroom floor! Oh and I also have your watch!

Tits Mcgonegal wasn’t an exception. I had another girl very keen on me who my friends then labelled “stalker bird”. Her and a friend kept going up to them and talking about me in a very surreal, 12 year old girl passing notes in the classroom sort of way.

I would later have sex with both of those girls. To be honest, everyone ended having sex with both of those girls. Two of my friends even double teamed one and kept gloating about the fact that they could feel each other prodding through different orifices. None the less both of these girls will feature later on on the story so I will not go into depth now (ahem).

The upside to all this, was the obvious fact that living around so many girls the same age who were partying non stop and wanting to make naive, lowbrow mistakes was going to provide yours truly with much more opportunities to do the dirty than living at home. For that reason alone University was a success. Who could argue? I just needed to move from the Sheldon Cooper phase (missing obvious advances) to the Russell Brand phase. Well, even the Howard Wolowitz phase would be a start. One day I was so hungover in a Pizza Hut toilet that I stood under the condom machine for a whole minute trying to dry my hands. Symbolism personified.

In hindsight, I should have bought the condoms…