My adult life -Chapter 3

By around Easter time I had made a fair few friends and my liver had taken a pasting. I had succeeded in “pulling” a few lady peeps but had about as much sexual action as Sheldon Cooper. I would fall asleep, they would fall asleep, I would be too drunk, they would be too drunk. There was a multitude of causes with the same conclusion.

One night in particular, I fell asleep on top of a girl.  It was a relatively common occurrence actually and would continue to be so for many years to come but this one was different. I started chatting her up at a party in the self catered flats at my halls and in the quest for more booze we stumbled across the host crushing up some sort of pill in his room. Not being one to partake in such activities it normally wouldn’t get my attention but the host quickly informed us they were run of the mill sleeping pills.

Host “Yea man, sleeping pills are crazy when you’re drunk!!” They are actually quite dangerous!” Go on, take half each!”

We took half each.

The question still remains. Did this guy see two naive freshers and trick them into taking something dodgy? Or did he actually give us half a sleeping pill each?

Further still. Why the fuck did I think taking half a sleeping pill was going to “get the party started”? Maybe like all students I was wanting to rebel but wasn’t wanting to dabble in drugs so this seemed apt. Whichever it was, it was a ridiculous thing to do. Put it down as a poor drunken decision.

Anyway that was my last memory. I should actually say the second last. My last memory was being back in my room semi naked, straddling the girl and rubbing her tits.

I’m 99.9% sure I then fell head first into the pillow of cleavage and fell asleep with my mouth open. It does coincide with the dubious, half a sleeping pill taken an unknown amount of time earlier notion.The next morning I woke up alone and very confused. Not only that, I woke up on top of a very expensive looking watch. Nightmare scenario! After the confusing and highly embarrassing end to the previous night the last person you want to see is that girl, never mind being angry about the loss of her watch. Luckily for me, our student halls were very confined so it was more than likely I would see her in passing very soon. By very soon, it turned out to be 2 hours. A group of us started playing soft ball in the neighboring park. LOW AND BE FUCKING HOLD, Tits Mcgonegal shows up.

“Oh hey, how you feeling? I think you left your watch at mine by the way?”

Tits Mcgonegal “Eh na, thats not mine”

I’m now even more confused and increasingly concerned.

Tits Mcgonegal ” I steal stuff when I’m drunk. Just keep it. I also stole a bracelet from yours when I left.”

My panic went down a notch with the relief that I wasn’t the one who stole the watch or that some other girl was back in my bed and I couldn’t remember. The confusion then returned along with the realization that this chick was missing a few screws and I was missing a cheap plastic bracelet thing that I liked to wear to make me look retro and cool.

“Yea, you can keep the bracelet.”

Needless to say I went back with Tits Mcgonegal again in second year. This time it was her flat. Even more drunk, we were lying on her bed when she decided to leave the room for something. Shortly after, the room started spinning and I quickly turned over and spewed on her floor. With the light safely turned off I then got up and walked out of the flat, leaving her to find the spew (I hope) by the virtue of her bare feet. If the guy who’s watch she stole is reading this, I got your back brother, revenge is a dish best served regurgitated on a bedroom floor! Oh and I also have your watch!

Tits Mcgonegal wasn’t an exception. I had another girl very keen on me who my friends then labelled “stalker bird”. Her and a friend kept going up to them and talking about me in a very surreal, 12 year old girl passing notes in the classroom sort of way.

I would later have sex with both of those girls. To be honest, everyone ended having sex with both of those girls. Two of my friends even double teamed one and kept gloating about the fact that they could feel each other prodding through different orifices. None the less both of these girls will feature later on on the story so I will not go into depth now (ahem).

The upside to all this, was the obvious fact that living around so many girls the same age who were partying non stop and wanting to make naive, lowbrow mistakes was going to provide yours truly with much more opportunities to do the dirty than living at home. For that reason alone University was a success. Who could argue? I just needed to move from the Sheldon Cooper phase (missing obvious advances) to the Russell Brand phase. Well, even the Howard Wolowitz phase would be a start. One day I was so hungover in a Pizza Hut toilet that I stood under the condom machine for a whole minute trying to dry my hands. Symbolism personified.

In hindsight, I should have bought the condoms…


My adult life -Chapter 2

After a month or 2 my freshers year started to truck along quite nicely. A wee routine had developed:

-Get up at 4pm for a 1 hour long shower to shrug off the hangover and feverishly masturbate.

-Dinner at 5 pm

– Start drinking from around 7pm till late.

Of course drinking only really accounted for 4 or 5 nights of the week. The others were reserved for cinema trips, youthful folly and miscellaneous. Classes were never an issue either. A couple of mandatory practicals a week were the only blemishes on an otherwise flawless diary. There were meant to be 3 lectures a day but unless there was a register, then it’s a sure as hell fire I never went. In fact, I did get pulled in by some attendance commissioner for not appearing in class but my unrivaled ability to dig my way out of holes came to the fore.

Times were good. I was making friends, gaining confidence, growing up and walking around pretty chuffed with my endeavors. Armed with a meaty student loan and no-one telling me what to do the world was my Oyster. In hindsight though, I simply see that time as a period of rapid growth. I did many cringe worthy, embarrassing things and immaturity was still much of what I was about.

Bored one night me and a couple of mates went to a girls room we knew in one of the cell blocks. The door was open but no-one at home. Like any cold blooded 18 year old would do we decided to hide, wait for her to come back then giver her a fright ( In my 18 year old head I thought this was courting),

The downside was, hiding places were hard to come by in a tiny little cell/room. Thinking well and truly inside the box, one went into the wardrobe, one under the bed covers and myself under her desk. The problem was, she wasn’t 3 years old. She would see someone under her duvet, me under the desk and the wardrobe had to much stuff in it. The plan was in tatters. However, In a moment of fleeting genius we figured out that if we emptied some of her clothes and threw them on the bed then there would be enough room in the wardrobe and the guy under the covers would just look like a pile of clothes. That’s the kind of intellect that got us into Uni in the first place. We then managed to pile a bunch of her random folders and junk into a wall for me to hide behind under the desk. All the pieces were coming together. All this effort for 2 seconds of possible hilarity. Anyway, we waited…

5 minutes went by, then 10, then 15.

Wardrobe friend “I’m so hot, I’m sweating all over her stuff. Where the fuck is she?”

Me “I don’t know, my back hurts and I’m bursting on a piss”

Bed friend “This is the best wank I’ve ever had!!”

Eventually a mutual friend came by also looking for her.

Me “Oi it’s us”

Mutual friend “What the fuck happened in here?”

Me ” We are waiting to give her a fright”

Mutual friend ” She will get a fright when she says what you have done to her room!!”

Eventually he texts her and it transpires she had just started watching a film in a friends room. Giving up, we attempted to ram all of her clothes back into the wardrobe after having some fun trying them on. We then left and went about our night.

From the eyes of the girl: She left her room, went to a friends for a nice chilled movie night then comes back a couple of hours later to find the place trashed to all fuck, her clothes stretched, lying in a pile in front of the wardrobe and the place smelling of BO.

That night was the second time I had inadvertently ruined a girls room. The fire had been lit a couple of weeks earlier by spewing in that girls bucket and malting pubes all over her bathroom. Now sober I was continuing the trend. A trend that would get so horribly out of control. This is the reason I remember that story so vividly. Nights of childish hi-jinx were to turn much more disgusting a couple of years down the line as I grew older with time.

For now though the innocence was still pure and the drinks were still flowing. The routine rarely deviated during that first winter at Uni. One morning I was awoken by half a tree getting thrown on top of me. Several of my friends had found out the lock on my ground floor cell window was broken so for the second half of first year I rarely returned to my room without their being some sort of anomaly.  The only downside was taking I girl back to the room;

“Why is there a large dead tree in your room?”

“Where is your mattress?”

“Where is everything you own?”

Those were a few of the questions I faced when entertaining. Looking back, if I was a friend I would have just set up a video camera facing the bed or had some chains hanging from the bed posts. That would have been much harder to explain. I did get my own back on one friend though when we manged to pile up some junk and climb into his first floor window. Naturally I decided to piss in his kettle and boil it. Not great for any student keen on noodles. I doubt boiled piss is even that unhealthy but none the less we ended up swapping.

Eventually one of the lads actually managed to gain access to an un-occupied room. For some reason the 3 blocks of catered halls (jail cells) had a system where every key would access 2 locks. It just so happens one of those was in between two of my friends rooms. The room got emptied (I stole the mattress to have in reserve) while in general it got used as the ‘go too weed smoking room.’  This took the idea of breaking into rooms out of the spotlight and meant all the stoners could get stoned together without fear of their possessions getting thrown out the window.

A midst all the tomfoolery a couple of us auditioned for Big Brother. We got no where but was yet another stepping stone on my own personal new found confidence and lease of life. There were also exams in the middle of first year just to keep everyone on their toes. Two of my modules were a breeze and easily passed with knowledge from high school but my Achilles heel was chemistry.

I had never studied it past standard grade in school and went to none of the lectures so it was to be some what of a stumbling block. I did go to the compulsory practicals with mixed results. They were always on a Tuesday which meant a hangover. If there is anything on this fucking planet you do not want to do on a hangover,  it’s lab experiments with Ethanol.  I remember having to run out of class one day, not to spew but drop a deuce.

Whenever I need to drop a deuce in a  public place I will always use the disabled toilet (shame on me). This time, in my haste I never locked the toilet properly and to add sweet, sweet icing onto the cake, the toilet was directly facing the door.

Now I’ve used many a disabled toilet in my days and this is the only occasion a disabled person has ever, EVER needed to use one at the same time!

Midway through this gut wrenching hangover induced Cleveland steamer, a man on a wheelchair slowly begins to open the door and roll his way in, solemnly unveiling me like the two hundred and fifty thousand pound box on deal or no deal. As soon as our eyes meet he panics, lets go of the door and jams his wheelchair between the door and the wall.

Disabled guy “You should have locked the door!”

Me “I thought I did!”

There was an awkward silence. Not only that, but we were now conducting this conversation while I was still sitting on the toilet, trousers at my ankles. He eventually tries to reverse out but he was unable, his wheelchair was caught on the handle or something, I don’t fucking know. It was an unmitigated disaster. He was stuck!

After a few deeply disturbing seconds more, it was obvious that I really needed to get up and help him out. It was the least I could do! I guy In a god damn wheelchair was stuck in the door of the toilet and I was sitting watching with my pants down.

But think about it, what the fuck was I actually meant to do?? Just get up and start wiping my arse directly in front of him while he had no choice but to watch? Stand up and shuffle over? I had already lost all morality and dignity but simply using a toilet not built for a healthy mans arse. The one toilet this poor disabled, middle aged man could use in the giant labyrinth that was the chemistry department and he couldn’t go because a hungover, decrepit student with an outrages yellow afro was currently parked on it and causing a smell of satanic proportions. Not only all of that…!!!!  He was now about to get up and WIPE HIS FILTHY ARSE, cock and balls dangling away, just a couple of meters in front of his helpless, innocent eyes. Jesus wept. Add to all that, the door was obviously half open. Any eventual passer by would stop and see a disabled my stuck in a door, try to assist then look up to see me wiping my arse in front of him. Oh did I mention the smell? yea? Ok, well it was bad. I was also sweating heavily.

Literally one second before I was about to get up he managed to free himself and reverse out. If there is a God, that is the moment he thought “Fuck this I’m stepping in here.”

When I walked out the door the man had gone. The embarrassment must have been more overwhelming than his need for the toilet. I should have just finished all the toilet roll and cemented my place in hell.

This escapade was just anther reason to hate chemistry. A couple of weeks later me and my mate Spike (my friends who will repeatedly appear in these stories have been giving names from Disney films) got into trouble because we had to leave due to severe hangovers. The Russian woman who gave out the lab equipment went a bit Joseph Stalin and threatened to throw us off the course but the head lecturer sympathized and we were let off once again.

Spike managed to rub salt in the wound by turning up to the actual exam hungover. He went drinking with one of the other lads the night before. The other lad then turned up having not slept a wink. He had went back to some chicks flat and started bumping cocaine before losing his virginity.  He aced the exam though. In fact they both got exceptionally high scores whereas I passed by a whisker and I was the sober one. Lesson learned…

Once the first set of annual exams were passed it was back to alcohol and shenanigans. There were more awful situations to get myself in. About 4 more years of awful situations to be precise.

My adult life -Chapter 1

As mentioned in a previous post I still have to write the final chapter of my time in Africa. Ironically, for that reason I thought now is the best time to start on something I have been wanting to do for a long, long, loooooonnnng time. In a nutshell this “something” is a tell all, dig a hole, take myself up the creek step by step account of my adult life so far. Effectively at this point, it’s just a brutally honest account of my time a University. Thusly, scripting my final account of my time in Africa after these posts can somewhat show how far I have come since my arrival in Aberdeen on a mild September Saturday, 2 weeks after my 18th Birthday.

I knew close to no-one and I had never set foot in Aberdeen in all my puff. I was relatively shy and still recovering from a shoulder operation when my parents dropped me off at my catered halls of residence. Catered halls meant you stayed in jail cell type rooms but you had breakfast and dinner paid for. For me this was a grand opportunity to meet people, which I did. I met my first group of mates in the dinner que not one hour after my parents left me in life limbo. It was lucky to be honest. Looking back, I was frustratingly timid back then. I wasn’t enjoying life that much and it was all a bit placid and lukewarm. I cannot imagine where I would be now if I never fucked off to Uni, came out my shell, got my end away and met my close friends.That being said. Coming out of said shell…was a drunkenly sobering experience.

Alcohol. Lots of it. At least 4 nights a week. In Aberdeen, although it changed throughout the years, nights out were every Monday,Wednesday,Friday and Saturday. Often there would be Tuesday and/or Thursday thrown in. Generally just a shit tonne of fun for an 18 year old.

In the first few days of Freshers week I died my hair yellow and my ridiculous Anchorman sideburns red. Doing that seemed mental, I showed everyone I was up for anything, Stuff legends are made of…

Aye right. I looked like a right idiot! My thick wavy curly hair dyed vomit yellow. Sweet Jesus. At least it gave me character.

So much character that Radio 1 duo Chappers and Dave took me up on stage in front of a capacity club and made me sing off with some girl that had worryingly severe cellulite. I won the sing off and got to kiss Dave, but in truth there were no winners that night. That club was called Liquid and would be the scene of many a drunken antic. In the 4/5 years I spent at Aberdeen University, a great deal of my time was spent in Liquid. Wednesday night was the big night out there and you could give or take a Friday or any other night of the week throughout the years. It had two floors with the bottom floor split in two giving it a “VIP” section. The rest of that floor consisted of a fairly large dance floor and two bars. The upstairs was smaller and concentrated on cheesy music for when people wanted to get nostalgic.

As the first few weeks progressed I was still making good inroads into pulling as many woman as I could even with my war torn curly hair. One night that didn’t involve Liquid, we were back at halls and had an impromptu shindig at a friend of a friends self catered flat. This friend of a friend happened to be fucking beautiful. She was a real doozy and for some time the best looking girl I nearly had sex with.

In the middle of the party she dragged me to her room and unveiled a bottle of that knockoff 80% Absinthe. We had a couple of shots each and the next thing I know she is in her underwear. To this day I still remember that body (which is kind of wrong).

Life had well and truly peaked. Really it had. Absolutely outstanding norks and tremendous tucas. Then here is me, with my big yellow afro and broad borders accent that no one could understand. Me on the bed, pie eyed and slightly swaying, her in her lilac underwear, it was like that scene in American Pie where Nadia strips for Jim. Just before he prematurely ejaculates…except I didn’t ejaculate… i threw up.

Mentally I had sunk that Absinthe…physically my body had to either commit to keeping it down or commit to getting blood to my penis. It chose penis. Next thing I know I’m throwing up Team America style into her bucket (not a euphemism!!). Luckily, she was also now taken by the Absinthe and tossed the bucket out of her window before we both passed out. There it was. The origin. The start of a very long trend of me pulling gorgeous woman, going back to theirs and leaving them mentally scarred for life.

Actually, believe it or not I actually got another shot and went back to hers a week later. I successfully managed to completely not have sex that time either. In fact, a couple of years later a friend of her flatmate informed me that she found what was presumed to be one of my freakishly long pubes in the bathroom. Not just that, she ran around the flat with it and then showed it to everyone.Fuck sakes! Doesn’t get much worse than that. Oh wait it does (story to come). I don’t think it was my pube though. My pubes are super curly, she would have to unravel and iron it if it was to ever look long. Especially comically long. I reckon it was just one of my normal hairs, mistaken for a pube (a common occurrence). I think I would have a pretty good case in a court of law.

However embarrassing, she was high caliber and my confidence started to grow. I started to do quite well with the ladies. I was still truly awful at ceiling the deal but I was kissing a lot of woman. High five…anyone…no?

In fairness, much of the time I was too busy having a laugh and joke with people. I remember going into a friends tiny cell once after a night out, preferring to go there than back to a girls flat presumably to malt my pubes all over her bathroom. I walked in to a dozen people stoned off their faces laughing at the thought of an Elephant wearing shoes. Then my friend got so baked he couldn’t move or talk. Instead of calling it a night everyone stared throwing his stuff out his second floor window. What no-one realized was, there was an angry black girl speaking to someone through the window below. Within seconds she got nailed by a suitcase. No-one realized however and by the time she rampaged up to the door she caught us trying to stuff the mattress through the window.

Crazy girl “What the fuck, you mother fuckers. I just got hit on the head by a suitcase and I’m now bleeding”

Stoned guy “We have no idea what you are talking about”


The rest of the guys then drop the mattress on its side and start drumming on it in sync, beating faster and faster as the girls temper rises.

Stoned guy “Ah that was him”

He then points to the clueless occupant who’s nearly stoned unconscious and completely helpless in stopping his possessions getting thrown out the window.

The girl then goes off on one, the poor stoned guy just staring back, completely in his own world. The lack of response or contrition just enraged the girl further. One guy then whispers out loud

“I think he’s a racist”


By this point one guy had either got bored or forgot about the crazy girl and started to try and throw the guy who couldn’t move or talk out the window. Utterly dumbfounded, the girl boiling with rage mentioned something about a knife then ran off to get help. A couple of the more sober guys (including myself) then ran down to pick up the evidence and everyone managed to scarper home.

For around a month after the clueless occupant had to deal with random aggression from people saying they were going to “do him in” unless he apologized. He had no idea  what the fuck went on, he just had some missing stuff. It also transpired that the weed they had been smoking all night had been lased with Acid.

That was a random Monday night at the beginning of my first year at Uni. It was then I started to realize, no-one back home was doing this on a Monday night. Possible stabbings aside, this was just the tip of the iceberg. My time at University was going to be eventful.

There was no way I could imagine just how eventful it would end up being.